its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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