chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
