You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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