my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Come share oat with me in your robe
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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