Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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