Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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