Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
