my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
