Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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