Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
