Are we in a gay sports bar?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
