Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
