Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
