i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We're too hungover to prance.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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