I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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