Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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