You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
