I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
