she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
false alarm. still invincible.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
