What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
