I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
