Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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