Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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