I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
