Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
