Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
