im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
