Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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