tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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