I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
