Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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