My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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