dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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