saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
