he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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