Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
