I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
