Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
