Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
