I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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