Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
she smelled like a LAN party
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
