sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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