Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
