and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
