Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
