New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
