There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
