I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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