Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
