I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
