do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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