Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
do nipples grow back?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
