I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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