I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
