I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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