All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
