I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
