i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
