I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize