i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
