I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
